The decisions you avoid are running your life
Blogberichtomschrijving
6/2/20263 min read
There is a strange comfort in postponement.
Most people think avoidance feels bad, but it doesn't. And that is precisely the problem.
Avoidance often feels like relief. You don't have the difficult conversation. Relief.
You postpone the decision. Relief.
You tell yourself you need a bit more time, a bit more certainty, a bit more information. Relief.
The nervous system settles. The discomfort disappears.
At least for now.
What rarely gets discussed is that avoidance has a direction. It is not neutral. It moves things.
Quietly. Gradually. Almost invisibly. Like a ship drifting one degree off course.
No alarms sound. The sea looks calm. The crew notices nothing unusual.
Weeks later, you are somewhere entirely different from where you intended to be.
Most lives change this way. Not through catastrophe, but through accumulated avoidance.
I have become increasingly fascinated by how often people already know. They know the relationship is no longer working. They know the role is draining them. They know the boundary needs to be set. They know the conversation needs to happen.
Yet they wait. Because uncertainty is uncomfortable. And the brain is remarkably efficient at helping us avoid discomfort.
Neuroscientists sometimes refer to this as experiential avoidance.
The tendency to avoid internal experiences we find difficult. Fear. Uncertainty. Rejection. Conflict. Disappointment.
When those emotions appear, the nervous system starts looking for the nearest exit.
The problem is that the exit is often temporary.
The situation remains. Only now it has gathered interest.
Anyone who has ignored a strange noise in a car understands this principle.
The noise never gets cheaper. The delay simply increases the bill.
Life operates similarly.
The conversation avoided in January becomes resentment by June.
The decision postponed for months becomes an identity by the following year.
The small discomfort avoided today often becomes a much larger discomfort later.
This is one reason self-leadership matters. Leaders don’t always have all the answers, but they are willing to face reality sooner. They are willing to look directly at what is present before circumstances force them to.
This applies as much to personal life as it does to business.
In leadership circles, people often talk about difficult conversations.
What interests me more is why those conversations become difficult in the first place.
Usually because they weren't had when they were still small.
A misunderstanding becomes a conflict. A concern becomes a crisis. A pattern becomes a culture. The issue is rarely the conversation itself.
The issue is the delay.
The ancient Daoists understood something modern culture often forgets.
Nature does not force. It responds.
A river does not argue with gravity. It follows what is true.
Again and again. Patiently. Relentlessly.
Reality operates in much the same way. You can ignore it for a while. Reality is rarely offended by this. It simply keeps flowing.
Eventually you meet it downstream.
Buddhist philosophy points toward something similar. Much of human suffering comes from resistance. Not pain itself.
Resistance to what is already here. The mind argues with reality. The body tenses against uncertainty. The conversation remains unspoken. The decision remains unmade. And energy gets trapped maintaining the resistance.
The irony is that the thing people fear is often smaller than the energy required to avoid it.
A ten-minute conversation can consume six months of mental bandwidth.
A decision that takes thirty seconds to make can occupy years of internal debate.
Many people are exhausted not because life is difficult. They are exhausted because they are carrying unresolved decisions everywhere they go.
This is where nervous system work becomes practical. Much more practical than many people realise. Breathwork, meditation, reflection, movement. These are not simply relaxation tools.
They help create enough internal stability to stay present when discomfort arrives. Because avoidance is rarely a thinking problem.
It is usually a physiological one. The body wants relief. The mind follows.
The question is not whether discomfort will appear. It will.
The question is whether you can stay present long enough to hear what it is asking of you.
A useful exercise is surprisingly simple.
Ask yourself:
What conversation have I been rehearsing but not having?
What decision am I hoping will become easier if I wait?
What truth am I already aware of that I keep negotiating with?
Then sit quietly with the answers. Do not solve them immediately. Just notice.
Most people already know. Far more than they admit.
Real transformation rarely begins with certainty. It begins with honesty. And honesty often arrives long before action does.
The work is learning to close that gap. Because every decision you avoid continues to shape your life.
Whether you choose it or not.
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maaike@aspasiana.com
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